Survivor Voices: April's Story

I start every interview the same, asking them to tell me about who they are as a person outside of the abuse. April laughs uncomfortably at the question and takes a breath, “I guess that’s what I’m still figuring out.”.

April was born to a teenage mother who didn’t feel ready to care for a child. She suffered from postpartum depression and told April she had wished she had an abortion.  Her parents separated when she was only eight months old, and her mother left her in the care of her grandparents. April says that would have been a good idea-  except that her grandparents were full blown heroin addicts. She was exposed to a side of life most people only ever see on television. Shooting up at the dinner table, methadone clinics, and a long list of criminal and petty crimes to pay for the habit. She said she grew up feeling like she never belonged to anything or a family. A feeling that still lingers even now.

When she was 2 her father was incarcerated for attempted murder and by the time she was 5 her mother seemed to be doing better so she had gone to stay with her. But, her mother constantly had new boyfriends and would always side with them. There was one in particular who wanted April to call him “Daddy” and she said even as a kid she was strong-willed and refused. Her mother later caught him with another man.

We talked about generational trauma, her grandmother was born to a teenage mother as well and was also left to grow up on the streets. She said, “My grandmother used drugs til the day she died. She lived til she was 57 and was still taking methadone when she died.”

April and I spoke for about an hour. She shared that she never felt protected as a child. There was no one to keep her safe. She recounted several instances of childhood sexual abuse. “I was put into many situations I shouldn’t have been in as a kid, because when people use drugs they want to touch little kids.”

Like the man “Willy” who stayed in her grandparents attic:

“He lived up there. Went to the bathroom up there. And I remember him always being naked.”

The cousins who touched her inappropriately at family gatherings or sleepovers:

 When I was around 5 or so the whole family went to Erie, we stayed at Scott’s motel. They had a pool and I liked it. But then at nighttime when I was going to sleep my cousins were f*ckin with me. I didn’t know. You know, as a child you just lay there. But, I remember specifically the adults waking up, seeing what was going on, and just telling everyone to lay back down.

 And no one like ever talked about it again.

Like ever.

The boy, 3 years older than her, who raped her in his bedroom when she was 10 while her and her grandmother was downstairs buying drugs:

“I remember I became obsessed with him and thought he was my boyfriend. When I came downstairs my gram was in her high stupor so what was I supposed to say to her?”.

When April was 11 her dad died. It broke her mother. Up until that point she said that her mom had been a good mom, good Christmases and creating fun memories with April. When Aprils father died April became depressed and angry. “I put on 60 pounds and was this chubby kid and she didn’t know how to handle me.”  Her mom turned to drugs and began to shoot up. At some point she contracted Hepatitis-C and sat April down to explain it to her. “I remember asking her if she could just stop. Like just be done with the drugs and her telling me she wouldn’t. That it’s not that easy to just quit.”

After that her mom went on a couple benders. “She just left and never came back. I was 13.”  April was all alone in the apartment. Heating up water in ice cream tubs to bathe and running electricity from the neighbor until eventually they were evicted. April spent her high school years couch surfing between family and friends. Miraculously she was able to graduate and was accepted into Penn State.  She focused on her education as her way of getting out of there.

She mentions being raped several times again as a teenager. Recalling an evening out with a friend when she was roofied and unable to protect herself, waking up hours later in the shower with just her underwear on and no explanation.

A common side effect of sexual abuse in children IS that they become hyper-sexual. She says that she can see now how she was manipulated into behaving that way and how she gravitated toward older men. “I mean I was like 15 and they were 27.”

One time there was a party and this one boy liked me but I didn’t want to mess with him. After everyone else went home he came back through a window and raped me. “I never told anyone about that. Because I was already promiscuous. I was having sex and stuff but for me it was about taking my power back. Like yeah I’ll have sex with you one time and then never talk to you again. You’re gonna like me more than I like you.”.

But yeah, the rapes stay with you.

April’s story is a familiar one. Many girls become promiscuous and have inappropriate sexual relationships following abuse. In April’s case she felt that because she willingly engaged in sexual activities she no longer had the right to her own body. Who would believe she had said “no” when she had already said “yes”? The cycle is a vicious one that makes survivors even more susceptible to additional violence.

Miraculously she was able to graduate and was accepted into Penn State.  She focused on her education as her way of getting out of there. At 18 she met her now husband. “He grew up the opposite of me. He has a good family and I just finally felt safe.”

After April completed her Associate Degree, her and her husband relocated. Far from the hometown that held so many reminders. Things finally resembled what she envisioned to be a normal life. But, after she had her son in 2008 memories that she had long buried started to emerge.  “Your brain will let you remember things when you’re in a safe space.” So that’s what happened. In moments of healing those ugly memories have reared their head.

In 2021 April attended The Haven Retreat where survivors are taught tools and techniques for dealing with their childhood traumas as well as connecting with others to learn they are not alone. She said that the retreat helped her to heal and to recognize that a lot of her personal struggles stemmed from the trauma she had endured as a child. April confesses that she’s had flashbacks of the rapes during sex with her husband. She’s had to ask him to stop and that has led to him having his own feelings of unworthiness. Which has led to infidelity and lies throughout their marriage.

It's just trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma, April fights back tears and her voice cracks. And I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want my kids to see a happy version of me that I know is there.

When I ask what she wishes people understood about survivors, she doesn’t hesitate.

“That we aren’t damaged,” she says. “People judged me for how I acted growing up, but I was just trying to survive while everyone else was worried about what to wear to the game on Friday. I can appreciate what’s really good because I’ve lived the other side.”

April has found solace within the spiritual and new age community. She practices visualization and self-compassion—imagining herself comforting the child she once was. “When I’m triggered, I know it’s my inner child that needs love,” she says. 

Her message to her younger self:

You are loved. You’re not damaged. Keep pushing forward because you’re going to

have a beautiful life.

More than anything April believes in accountability. Her final message to others is to heal, not just for yourself but for the generations to come:

I think the important thing is: we as people may have been hurt but it’s really up to us to heal from it. Not continue the pattern on. And be better people. When I think about my dad and mom— they’re both passed away now— but I can’t even be angry at them because they weren’t at a space where they could heal from that, which is why it went on to me. But, I can choose to change and heal. And not make excuses like, “I act like this because of ‘this’.” No! You act like that because you chose to act like that. It’s up to you to take the ropes and heal yourself from whatever it is that you went through in life.

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 If you or someone you know is in danger or needs support:Help is available. You are not alone.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org for confidential 24/7 assistance.If you’ve experienced sexual violence, the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) provides free, confidential support and additional resources at 1-800-656-4673 or rainn.org/resources.

This story is part of the Survivor Voices series, created to shed light on the many forms of harm that go unseen and the strength it takes to rebuild.

If you are a survivor ready to share your story, email TrinaKayLLC@gmail.com. Your voice matters—and it could help someone else find theirs.