Ramblings from the Sideline

Summer has loosened its grip on us. It’s hot. Hotter in the sun. But, the breeze is cool this evening and the clouds give enough shade to almost feel like fall.

All of that to say- there’s a “chemo disconnect kit” in my purse. I forgot to take it out of my purse when we got home yesterday. I’ll probably leave it until tomorrow when Julie’s pump starts beeping that it’s time to disconnect.

This is her 4th treatment. Honestly, it feels like each one hits her a little harder. She doesn’t complain. Refuses to feel sorry for herself. Even when she’s sick to her stomach and curled into a ball on the couch. They said she should only feel tired for a day or two after each treatment.

Well- they said a lot of things. The likeliness of it all.

“You’ll probably sail through! You’re young and otherwise healthy. Should be pretty mild symptom wise.”

The steroids give her heartburn. The chemo makes her queasy. Everything makes her tired.

Still she says she’s lucky. And happy for the new lease on life. Grateful.

And then…

Her hair started falling out. They told her it might “thin”- but I think we were both surprised by the sight of it.

I saw it first. All over the bathroom and in the sink.

Honestly, I thought maybe she’d cleaned out her hair brush or something. I couldn’t figure out why she’d just leave her hair lying about and said as much. It never occurred to me it was falling out. She didn’t even know.

Her hair is already cut short. She could shave it off and not really care. She’s gorgeous with or without hair. She’s not emotionally attached to it either way.

Her whole demeanor changed though. She doesn’t really want to talk about it. Not at any real level. I think what bothers her is the same thing that bothers me about it. Or I’m projecting…

Losing her hair means it’s working. It also means she might start to look and feel SICK. We might have to actually acknowledge it. Adjust.

Admit.

Admit this is hard. Harder than it looks. Harder than we want to talk about. Harder than we want anyone to know.

Sometimes you just have to sit in your feelings. The rain is rolling in like it knows… we have some releasing to do.

It’s all in God’s hands anyway.